My Child Feels Entitled

By: Scott Wardell


My Child Feels Entitled

Middle School & High School Students

We love our own children and we ant them to be happy. To demonstrate our love we listen to them, help them with their homework, encourage them to participate in activities and, yes, give them “things” that they want. Parents, by law, must provide food and shelter. It is our role to make sure that our children attend school and follow curfew and other city and state ordinances. But, what about providing ipods, cell phones, cars and spending money. Are we really obligated to buy our child’s clothes at mall department stores where jeans often cost more than $70? Should we allow our child to participate in any activities that they desire at an expense with no limits? A common question that many parents are beginning to ask is: “What is the difference between entitled parenting verses responsible parenting?”

Entitled Parenting

Parenting a child to feel that they are entitled is often an easy task. The child asks for something and the parent provides or replies, “Yes.” The “entitled parenting” philosophy usually centers on helping the child to become comfortable and satisfied. Parents using this philosophy may also believe that:

1. Children have a right to be happy most of the time.
2. Children will follow through next time on their promise to complete a task.
3. Parents need to protect their children from negative consequences.
4. Children have a right to receive items or privileges at a certain age. If the child demonstrates that he or she is not ready for the item or privilege, it can be taken away and given back at a later date with no expectation of work or effort.

The result of this parenting philosophy often leads children to believe that items and privileges are rewarded just for existing. Goals are often centered on the pursuit of happiness and pleasure. Children learn to expect their parents to demonstrate their love and gratitude by showering gifts and “fun times” as a means to gain a sense of family and community. This sense of family and community becomes dysfunctional when children become angry by not getting what they want, or if something is taken away. The anger often comes with words such as, “I you love me, you would give me what I need.” Or, “Good parents would not take away! You don’t love me!” Entitled children seldom see their parent’s people with feelings. They often feel that “things are not fair.” In the end, entitled parenting is hard work. Parents often feel exhausted and the child feels unloved.

Responsible Parenting

Our individual rights as citizens are seldom granted without demonstrating responsibilities. In fact, if one does not demonstrate that he or she has the capability to be responsible for his or her actions, then by law, rights are often denied or diminished. A responsible person generally agrees that there are positive and negative consequences for behavior. It is also generally accepted that these consequences can be natural (i.e. getting hurt because of inattentive behavior) or planned (i.e. losing a privilege, reward or incentive for not completing a task). Parents using this philosophy most often believe that:

1. Children learn from their mistakes and negative consequences are as normal as positive consequences.
2. Parents do not have to always please their child or ensure that they are always happy.
3. Intrinsic motivation (self-motivation) is more important than extrinsic motivation (others providing motivation).
4. Children who develop a sense of responsibility and earn what they want from life also develop a sense of self-worth and a positive self-concept. This belief comes from “doing” rather than “getting.”
5. Children who grow up in this environment tend to develop altruistic feeling toward other individuals. Empathy, compassion and caring are often character traits that describe a child who is parented under the responsible model.